Its been a while, since I felt the need to write, the need to bleed out onto paper. The past weeks left me drained of all possible emotion and it is when I stubbed my foot at the door today that I realised "there's still some left in me yet...."This was followed by a few profanities at the accursed door.
Letting go is the hardest part after denial and anger and hurt and gereneral depression. Once you have let all the anger burn whatever could be left in you you are stuck..as I am now with the decision of letting go. I fear to let you go...not because Im still in love with you or even because of any other possible reason. But because I fear being replaced. You could do it if you wanted to, you could move on and I would be powerless to stop you but my heart would always burn for you. How do I stop my heart skipping at the mention of your name....or laughing at a memory we shared...or looking at your picture over and over agin ubtil you are emblazoned in my mind? I carry a torch for you because one of the things that endeared me to you was the fact that I was first in your life.
And now Im looking at a situation when I am relegated to second, then to third and inevitably to none. This is the scary bit. I fear it is the same when it comes to a human's fear of death. We fear death not because of the form in which it presents itself but on a more concious level we are being reminded that we too will fall to the dust. And we will be forgotten. Just like you will forget me. And so I dont want to let you go, becaiuse you will forget me..and you will replace me...and all that I have been to you will be naught...and you will find someone else to be your person of the year, of the month...to share a theme song with...to be yours...and it will nolonger be me.
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