My Mind's Eye...
Twirling colors...
hues of the ages,...
come be my dream...
my artist...my mind...
the world your pallette...
choose your colors...
and paint my life...
western shores of ireland,
jagged rocks of dante
stormy waves of Ahab
moby's flight...
from the harpoon of Ishmael...
Dark nights of Hyde
and the morning of Jekyll...
paint me my dreams...
artist of my mind...
Sultry lips
of my heart's desire...
hourglass bod...
wrapped in the velvet of the night...
slender arms...
covered in the mist of of the hues
of lust...
reach out to grab me,
paint me my dreams...
artist of my mind...
Your pallet my dreams
your hues your own...
paint me my dreams...
artist of my mind...
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
Wednesday, 23 March 2011
Letting go...Day-future
...Oh have you seen my ghost, and where'd my body go...??-Weighty Ghost-Wintersleep
Its been a while, since I felt the need to write, the need to bleed out onto paper. The past weeks left me drained of all possible emotion and it is when I stubbed my foot at the door today that I realised "there's still some left in me yet...."This was followed by a few profanities at the accursed door.
Letting go is the hardest part after denial and anger and hurt and gereneral depression. Once you have let all the anger burn whatever could be left in you you are stuck..as I am now with the decision of letting go. I fear to let you go...not because Im still in love with you or even because of any other possible reason. But because I fear being replaced. You could do it if you wanted to, you could move on and I would be powerless to stop you but my heart would always burn for you. How do I stop my heart skipping at the mention of your name....or laughing at a memory we shared...or looking at your picture over and over agin ubtil you are emblazoned in my mind? I carry a torch for you because one of the things that endeared me to you was the fact that I was first in your life.
And now Im looking at a situation when I am relegated to second, then to third and inevitably to none. This is the scary bit. I fear it is the same when it comes to a human's fear of death. We fear death not because of the form in which it presents itself but on a more concious level we are being reminded that we too will fall to the dust. And we will be forgotten. Just like you will forget me. And so I dont want to let you go, becaiuse you will forget me..and you will replace me...and all that I have been to you will be naught...and you will find someone else to be your person of the year, of the month...to share a theme song with...to be yours...and it will nolonger be me.
It will no longer be me. Its hard to let you go.
Its been a while, since I felt the need to write, the need to bleed out onto paper. The past weeks left me drained of all possible emotion and it is when I stubbed my foot at the door today that I realised "there's still some left in me yet...."This was followed by a few profanities at the accursed door.
Letting go is the hardest part after denial and anger and hurt and gereneral depression. Once you have let all the anger burn whatever could be left in you you are stuck..as I am now with the decision of letting go. I fear to let you go...not because Im still in love with you or even because of any other possible reason. But because I fear being replaced. You could do it if you wanted to, you could move on and I would be powerless to stop you but my heart would always burn for you. How do I stop my heart skipping at the mention of your name....or laughing at a memory we shared...or looking at your picture over and over agin ubtil you are emblazoned in my mind? I carry a torch for you because one of the things that endeared me to you was the fact that I was first in your life.
And now Im looking at a situation when I am relegated to second, then to third and inevitably to none. This is the scary bit. I fear it is the same when it comes to a human's fear of death. We fear death not because of the form in which it presents itself but on a more concious level we are being reminded that we too will fall to the dust. And we will be forgotten. Just like you will forget me. And so I dont want to let you go, becaiuse you will forget me..and you will replace me...and all that I have been to you will be naught...and you will find someone else to be your person of the year, of the month...to share a theme song with...to be yours...and it will nolonger be me.
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
Desert walks...Day Pain
I continue to think about you. Deeper and deeper each day my mind spirals into the depths past depression and I cant stand anymore. This pain that is supposed to get better with time...not happening. Pain is the only thing I can feel, my mouth is parched from lack of your presence...
This pain...I feel a pain so deep that should be felt by the whole world. They say we are part of the world and at some level we all connect subconsciously as humans...then why is it no one feels my pain? This pain that digs deep into the being that is me and rattles me from the core...
When you left, my connection with the world...my connection with everything good...a connection that I felt within and out of time cut...and yet time continues. This is the cruelty of the world...while I lie here in my desert the world isnt afraid to continue...without me...simply because you were my world.
My intricate heart strings cut and the whole picture unravels...
This pain...dulling my train of thought....and yet I continue to bleed...
They say woulds heal. A scab eventually forms preventing it from further infection and stopping the bleeding. I have no such reprieve of pain or bleeding. My heart remains woulded from where your heartstrings were yanked from mine...the gaping hole that ensued remainds...gaping...and the infections of doubt...more pain, more loss...more disease....fuck. This pain is too much. Its too much.
My wound remains open from where your heart strings attached to mine and my blood flows unabated.
One would think that after bleeding throughout this desert...I would have no blood left in me....
It is the mark of the hurt I feel that thoughts of you draw up new blood that continues to flow....and flow...
This pain...is too much. Its simply too much.
This pain...I feel a pain so deep that should be felt by the whole world. They say we are part of the world and at some level we all connect subconsciously as humans...then why is it no one feels my pain? This pain that digs deep into the being that is me and rattles me from the core...
When you left, my connection with the world...my connection with everything good...a connection that I felt within and out of time cut...and yet time continues. This is the cruelty of the world...while I lie here in my desert the world isnt afraid to continue...without me...simply because you were my world.
My intricate heart strings cut and the whole picture unravels...
This pain...dulling my train of thought....and yet I continue to bleed...
They say woulds heal. A scab eventually forms preventing it from further infection and stopping the bleeding. I have no such reprieve of pain or bleeding. My heart remains woulded from where your heartstrings were yanked from mine...the gaping hole that ensued remainds...gaping...and the infections of doubt...more pain, more loss...more disease....fuck. This pain is too much. Its too much.
My wound remains open from where your heart strings attached to mine and my blood flows unabated.
One would think that after bleeding throughout this desert...I would have no blood left in me....
It is the mark of the hurt I feel that thoughts of you draw up new blood that continues to flow....and flow...
Monday, 7 March 2011
Day X...numb...
Not really sure what I feel now.
I have lost the ability to tell joy from sadness...
because I have been sad too long...
I continue to spiral down into emptiness...
consumed by a burning pain that...
only...
burns everything.
I stand a barren wasteland...
incapable of feeling anything....feeling nothing.
I had a link that held me onto reality...
One that I was so sure would be there...
But like verything else in my life it was yanked from me,,,
yanked becuse I tried to hold on...
to my last vestige of hope...
of feeling,
until it was cruelly pulled from my hands..
breaking my link...
leaving me rubbing the wounds...
from where my heart held the chians....
This fire of desertion
of loss of all i have loved
has left me...
with nothing
I am a desert where not even Fawke's tears...
can grow a flower
Can I be impervious to a pain I cant even feel anymore...
I am aware of your presence everywhere I go...
But you are too far from my sight...
and the sand from the desert winds of sadness hurl themselves at my eyes...
But tears have scalded my eyes that they no longer see..
so the sand is more or less uselss...
I walk through the desert alone...I am the desert..
A barren land drained of all that fed me...
Day something....whatever.
I have lost the ability to tell joy from sadness...
because I have been sad too long...
I continue to spiral down into emptiness...
consumed by a burning pain that...
only...
burns everything.
I stand a barren wasteland...
incapable of feeling anything....feeling nothing.
I had a link that held me onto reality...
One that I was so sure would be there...
But like verything else in my life it was yanked from me,,,
yanked becuse I tried to hold on...
to my last vestige of hope...
of feeling,
until it was cruelly pulled from my hands..
breaking my link...
leaving me rubbing the wounds...
from where my heart held the chians....
This fire of desertion
of loss of all i have loved
has left me...
with nothing
I am a desert where not even Fawke's tears...
can grow a flower
Can I be impervious to a pain I cant even feel anymore...
I am aware of your presence everywhere I go...
But you are too far from my sight...
and the sand from the desert winds of sadness hurl themselves at my eyes...
But tears have scalded my eyes that they no longer see..
so the sand is more or less uselss...
I walk through the desert alone...I am the desert..
A barren land drained of all that fed me...
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
....shattered Chronicles...: Day 5- Catharsis
....shattered Chronicles...: Day 5- Catharsis: "'Do I ever cross your mind, anytime...?'-Brian McKnight-Anytime I'm sure its not day 4. Figured I could atleast try to get the date right, ..."
Day 5- Catharsis
"Do I ever cross your mind, anytime...?"-Brian McKnight-Anytime
I'm sure its not day 4. Figured I could atleast try to get the date right, even if everything is falling apart. Im so used to having you here, wanting to call you and share a joke, or say something stupid, or just to hear your voice..Its killing me. Love songs are the most painful....they remind me of you, of how I should have loved you...of how I love you still. The pain is intense, there's no point hiding it anymore. Sadness envelopes me becuse I just lost the only real thing in my life.
Writing is catharsis for me...I bleed through my writing....until I can bleed no more...till the pain rushes up again and the blood flows unabated. Writing is catharsis for me.
I wonder how you're doing...what you're doing....How you're doing? Wondering if I ever cross your mind? If Im still part of your thoughts. Thats among the worst things I gather...not knowiing whether you think of me or if you're as sad or even sadder than I am...I don't know...anything anymore.
My foundation has been struck a blow and I fall hard and fast with no grip on reality. I didnt know how deep your love run till it was taken away from me living me like a tree in the amazon....pulled from the roots....leaving a gaping hole in the ground....I am a gaping hole of nothingness because you were everything in essence and in being.
I want to remain in this state so that I can stay close to the memory of you, if I can not be with you.
I cant be with you...I cant be with you. The reality of this hits me with a bang and shatters me all oer agian...
A broken glass can be fixed...a shattered glass can't...there are too many pieces...too many pieces.
My catharsis brings more pain....instead of the release it usually does...
Oh well...Day 5. On to more pain.
I'm sure its not day 4. Figured I could atleast try to get the date right, even if everything is falling apart. Im so used to having you here, wanting to call you and share a joke, or say something stupid, or just to hear your voice..Its killing me. Love songs are the most painful....they remind me of you, of how I should have loved you...of how I love you still. The pain is intense, there's no point hiding it anymore. Sadness envelopes me becuse I just lost the only real thing in my life.
Writing is catharsis for me...I bleed through my writing....until I can bleed no more...till the pain rushes up again and the blood flows unabated. Writing is catharsis for me.
I wonder how you're doing...what you're doing....How you're doing? Wondering if I ever cross your mind? If Im still part of your thoughts. Thats among the worst things I gather...not knowiing whether you think of me or if you're as sad or even sadder than I am...I don't know...anything anymore.
My foundation has been struck a blow and I fall hard and fast with no grip on reality. I didnt know how deep your love run till it was taken away from me living me like a tree in the amazon....pulled from the roots....leaving a gaping hole in the ground....I am a gaping hole of nothingness because you were everything in essence and in being.
I want to remain in this state so that I can stay close to the memory of you, if I can not be with you.
I cant be with you...I cant be with you. The reality of this hits me with a bang and shatters me all oer agian...
A broken glass can be fixed...a shattered glass can't...there are too many pieces...too many pieces.
My catharsis brings more pain....instead of the release it usually does...
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
Day 1
"just a day...just an ordinary day...."
Its day 1. Or maybe its day 3. Cant really remember. Time usually doesn't matter when you're floating in a void of nothingness.Wish it were nothingness...
Empty is what I feel, with brief glances of pain and longing. Still can't believe you're gone.
It was hard to get up today. The will wasn't there, the zeal for llife is extinguished. And yet I still move on. The pain is still fresh. A single thoiught of you and I fall into despair again. My phone buzzes and I wish to God it was you. They say yu can do without people but why oin earth am I dying without you here. Going through the motions of life or day to day activities is pointless. Everything is pointless...because you were the main point.
Someone said your name on the way to work. Asking how you were. It took all I had to smile and say you were okay. Are you okay? Because Im not okay. I dont even know if you're okay. Im trying to call you but Im stopped by my beating heart. I cant even touch the phone for fear that maybe you were trying to call...didnt want to tie up the line. Telling that person you weree okay drained me. I had no strength left to continue to work. I turned round and went back home.
My dreams are of you, my thoughts are of you becuase my life was of you and I didnt know it. How could I not know it? How? My bed holds no comfort because all it does is reminfd me of that passion we shared...and rememebring this I weep. Inwardly ofcourse.
Im asked if Im ill and I wonder if this s what they mean by love sick. Always thought that love sick was being sick of love...having given or received too much of it...or both. Can you be love sick if you are deprived of love? Or deprived of the one love you really need. Not want, but need.
I am at a loss. Cant get out of bed. Cant eat. Cant do anything. But I can sleep. Im tired of burning eyes that nolonger see your face, tired of silence taht was filled by your laugh, tired of the loneliness around me that has engulfed me...tired of it all. I look forward to sleep because atleast this is where you are still mine. This is were we are still together. This is where I can touch you again...I look forward to sleep becuse at least there...you are still here.
Ill dream on.
This is day 1. Maybe its day3. I wouldnt know anymore.
Its day 1. Or maybe its day 3. Cant really remember. Time usually doesn't matter when you're floating in a void of nothingness.Wish it were nothingness...
Empty is what I feel, with brief glances of pain and longing. Still can't believe you're gone.
It was hard to get up today. The will wasn't there, the zeal for llife is extinguished. And yet I still move on. The pain is still fresh. A single thoiught of you and I fall into despair again. My phone buzzes and I wish to God it was you. They say yu can do without people but why oin earth am I dying without you here. Going through the motions of life or day to day activities is pointless. Everything is pointless...because you were the main point.
Someone said your name on the way to work. Asking how you were. It took all I had to smile and say you were okay. Are you okay? Because Im not okay. I dont even know if you're okay. Im trying to call you but Im stopped by my beating heart. I cant even touch the phone for fear that maybe you were trying to call...didnt want to tie up the line. Telling that person you weree okay drained me. I had no strength left to continue to work. I turned round and went back home.
My dreams are of you, my thoughts are of you becuase my life was of you and I didnt know it. How could I not know it? How? My bed holds no comfort because all it does is reminfd me of that passion we shared...and rememebring this I weep. Inwardly ofcourse.
Im asked if Im ill and I wonder if this s what they mean by love sick. Always thought that love sick was being sick of love...having given or received too much of it...or both. Can you be love sick if you are deprived of love? Or deprived of the one love you really need. Not want, but need.
I am at a loss. Cant get out of bed. Cant eat. Cant do anything. But I can sleep. Im tired of burning eyes that nolonger see your face, tired of silence taht was filled by your laugh, tired of the loneliness around me that has engulfed me...tired of it all. I look forward to sleep because atleast this is where you are still mine. This is were we are still together. This is where I can touch you again...I look forward to sleep becuse at least there...you are still here.
Ill dream on.
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